Journey to Our Miracle: Brief How it Felt

Adam and I have slowly been writing down the story of the miscarriages and our journey to having a baby, and it's very evident God's hand was in all of it. The times that we had given up and were completely done because it was too hard, something or someone was placed in our lives to encourage us forward. Of course when we were in the middle of it all, we couldn't see any of this. All we could see was "it's too hard and unfair and why is this happening." I began to dread holidays and birthdays because it seemed like each one was a marker for another loss. I even started rescheduling ultrasounds if they were near a holiday or family or friends birthday because I was positive there was going to be something wrong. Going to doctors appointments became an ordeal. I felt like I was going to throw up and would cry the whole way there because I thought "we're going to be saying goodbye, there's not going to be a heartbeat." And of course it seemed everyone was pregnant and that there were babies everywhere we turned. If we found out a friend was pregnant the same time we were, we would hide our pregnancy because we didn't want to dampen their joy if we lost our baby, and we were just plain scared. It was so hard at times that I unfollowed some people on Facebook because I had lost my baby and they were still pregnant and seeing the updates was just too hard. Going through this makes you aware of things you never would have thought of. I try to be careful about talking about my happiness of my pregnancy when I'm waiting to be called back to see the OB because I remember the time when I had lost my baby and was waiting for a confirmation ultrasound and there was a couple beside me that was finding out if they were having a girl or boy and they were so happy and I could barely keep the tears from falling because my baby had died and I wondered if I would ever have the joy and excitement of finding out if I was having a boy or girl. To be continued because I'm crying too much and need to hug my Zoe girl.