Lucky number 7

It was a very long and difficult journey for my husband and I to have a child. So long and difficult that I wanted to give up, and at times I even prayed for death. I remember one time after losing one of our babies, laying in bed in our dark bedroom, I tried to slow my breathing down while hoping that my heart could just stop and the Lord would let me come home and hold all my babies. But the LORD declares "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," Isaiah 55:8. So I'm still here despite my wishes, and thank you God for having different plans. Because HE sees the entire picture when I can't see through the fog of my own pain and suffering.

I was diagnosed with end stage renal disease (ESRD) in 1992 (8 years old) and needed a kidney transplant in 2000 (age 15). (Thank you, Mom for giving me one of yours and preventing me from going on dialysis.) As a result of the many medical issues that go along with renal failure, I was pretty certain that I could never have children so I told myself and everyone else (including my fiancé) that I didn't want kids--Fake it till you make it.

My husband and I were married on April 18, 2008 and decided in August 2008 to see what would happen if we tried to have a baby. In December 2008, I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a cycle. Even after 8 pregnancy tests, Adam was still not convinced I was "prego," and I was panicking because one of my immunusuppressant medications warned about becoming pregnant and even recommended using 2 forms of birth control while taking it. So, I booked an appointment with my nephrologist who changed me to a different med that was safer during pregnancy and also saw my gynecologist who ordered serial hcg levels. Before the second blood sample was drawn, I began to cramp and bleed. The second hcg level confirmed what I already knew, I had miscarried.

I was sad but optimistic that I had even gotten pregnant and so I began tracking my cycle and trying to get pregnant again. I was now on the safer drug and knew the next pregnancy would make it. I knew that many first pregnancies miscarried, but that multiple miscarriages was rare---that's what the books say but try telling that to the women who continue to lose baby after baby after baby.

It took a long time to get pregnant again. Or at least it seemed that way. Month after month, I was devastated when there was no BFP (big fat positive), i.e., a positive pregnancy test. I started wondering if I would ever get pregnant again. Maybe that first one was a fluke and what I had believed all those years was right after all---I couldn't have children.

More to come....